What is it about a simple little tattoo that can create so much controversy? Whether you love them or hate them, it’s pretty much guaranteed that everyone has an opinion about them. And a rather strong one at that.

Does it really classify a woman as a Tramp, a Slut, a Sure Thing? I certainly don’t think so, not in the least. I would have to think that there are many other qualifications that need to be met before one can be placed into that elite category.

I don’t mind saying that I myself am a huge fan of the lower back tattoo. I don’t feel comfortable referring to them as Tramp Stamps, let alone all of the other terrible names that have been associated with them. No need to go into those here, I’m sure we’ve all heard them and most are extremely degrading. In my opinion anyway.

Exactly why I love these tattoos, I’m not too sure. I haven’t quite pinned it down as of yet. One thing’s for sure though, when applied with taste and creativity, they can be sexy as hell.

Yikes, did I just say that? I guess I did. Maybe it IS the fact that I think they can be super sexy, especially on an already attractive woman. But the tattoo alone isn’t the ONLY thing a woman can do to look sexy. A nice pair of low rise jeans with a bit of thong sticking up above the belt line, the proverbial “Whale Tail” as it were can also be a wonderful addition to a womans wardrobe. Again, my opinion only.

Not to say that this combo can’t be worn by women of all shapes and sizes but if they are being displayed as a means of getting attention to a certain area that normally wouldn’t, let alone shouldn’t be displayed publicly, then that could be an issue.

But when a woman leans over and you happen to catch a sneak peek at her lower back, discovering that it holds an unforseen treasure of sorts, it just doesn’t get much better than that. At least not in my book.

As they say, “some things are better left unseen” and in the case of alot of these tattoos, I’d have to agree that out of sight, out of mind might have been a better way to go. Perhaps it’s because the owners can’t actually see what’s going on behind them that allows them to display these disasters, seemingly without a care.

As with anything else, tattoos can be taken to the extreme and beyond, with the limits of bad taste being exceeded in no time. However, the decision is entirely up to the owner and you’d have to think that quite a bit of forethought and consideration was taken before they ever let someone apply something to their body that no doubt would, for better or worse, last a lifetime.

Although I must admit I do have my doubts as to the talent posessed by some of these so called artists that actually perform the tattooing. While some are exquisite works of art, others look as if they were scratched in by some poorly trained meth addict in the back of an old Ford van haulin’ ass down the freeway on the way to a Marilyn Manson concert. I really do feel sorry for some of these women as I would have to think that what they ended up with is nowhere near how their dream tattoo started out in their mind. Truly a shame as there is no eraser that will make it go away.

Which also brings to mind all of the criticisms concerning how the tattooees will look once they get old and wrinkled. What will happen to their butterfly at that point? Will it just look like a wrinkled old vulture, hovering over it’s prey?

C’mon now, at that point, even if they do have somebody back there checkin’ it out I’d find it hard to believe that the person is going to make a comment about it. I could be wrong but I just don’t believe that’s enough of a reason not to get a tattoo in the first place.

Is this the same ol’ thing, where the people that don’t have the guts to get a tattoo choose to talk down the ones that can put up with the pain for a whole bunch of individuality? I’d hate to think they are that shallow but you just never know.

In fact, who came up with the name Tramp Stamp in the first place? Wouldn’t “Buttper Sticker” have been a bit more neutral, somewhat less degrading? I’d assume it had to be a hater of Tattoos of all kinds. More than likely they also hate that other wonderfully exquisite invention, the Belly Button Ring. But that’s an entirely different post altogether, one that I’ll more than likely get into later.

Could it be that most of the women that posess the lower back tattoos choose to display them for all to see that causes some women to be so against them? Could they be jealous? Perhaps these women don’t feel comfortable enough with their own bodies to let it all hang out, let alone put a flashing sign on it sayin’ look at me.

I’ve never been a big fan of women that wear next to nothing in public. I’ve always preferred to leave something to the imagination, a little somethin’ for later. Especially when it comes to women I’m dating. Call me old fashioned but I’d like to think that there is something that is somewhat special, off limits and reserved only for me to see. Like I said, I’m old fashioned when it comes to love.

Just like the whole fake boobs thing. And yes, you guessed it, I’m not a huge fan of the quadruple triple double D’s. I’m all about the real deal, gimme real A’s as opposed to fake triple G’s anyday. Not only do they tend to look disproportionate to the rest of their bodies, they tend to feel all wrong and again, it’s just not for me. For medical as well as health issues, I’m all for it but when they’re media or ego driven, just not a huge fan.

Sometimes I wonder what the actual stats are on fake boobs. Do guys really like them as much as women think they do or is it more of a thing where women do it to impress other women? I think the media has a bunch to do with it and while I agree that a bit of enhancement is ok, some of these women take it too far. OK, WAY TOO FAR!

Which could also be said for some of the women and their tattoos. I’ve heard that it can become addicting and since I don’t currently have any tattoos of my own, I’m only guessing but I wouldn’t be surprised at all to hear that it is indeed true. No doubt some have taken it way beyond the mainstream to a point that’s it’s just about bordering on insanity.

Almost every square inch of their body being covered in tattoos is way beyond attractive. At that point it’s just seems a bit obsessive and then it gets kinda freaky. By no means am I saying it’s wrong but again, just not for me.

Which brings us back to my original point. While tattoos aren’t for everyone, each individual should be able to decide for themselves what is right and wrong for them. It has nothing to do with what anyone else thinks and they surely shouldn’t be labeled in any way for choosing to freely fly their freedom flag.

So, to all the women out there that have been branded as Tramps, I want to commend you for living life on your own terms and not givin’ a damn what others think. Because without you doin’ your thing, we’d never know who the good girls are.

If you’re a fan of Tramp Stamps, I’d love to hear about it. If not, I’d enjoy hearing about that as well and perhaps all the reasons why you don’t like them. And if you enjoyed this Post, I’d appreciate it if you’d share this with your friends. Thank you.

“Lonely, broke and miserable.” Damn, I sure hate typing that, let alone having to speak those words. But that’s the truth as far as how I’ve been feelin’ lately. At least most of the time anyway. So when someone says to me “How are you?”, knowing that I was always taught to tell the truth (which I fully agree with) I’m pretty much left with basically no other option than to respond accordingly. Like it or not. NOT!

It’s just that it sounds so lousy to have to give that response but being as that’s how I’m truly feeling at that time, what else can I do? What else should I say besides the truth? And therein lies the dilemma. Do you respond honestly to the greeting, which doesn’t paint you in the most flattering light or do you put a positive spin on it, regardless of whether or not it’s true? In essence, is it time for a little white lie?

Hmmmmm, why not? What’s wrong with a little white lie here an’ there, especially at such an innocent time. In fact, one would have to think that white lies might have even been invented for just such an occasion. And after all, wouldn’t a bright and cheery, positive response sound a whole lot better than the ugly negativity of the truth? Sure it would. So, is that enough of a reason to tell a white lie? Maybe. Maybe not.

As I ponder this a bit more, I begin to wonder if the “How are you” greeting is more of a formality than a true question. Meaning is it something that has become a built in action upon interacting with someone. Just a default greeting as it were. Same level as a “Hey” or a “Yo” or even a “Wut Up”, all being an acknowledgement in some way, shape or form but not as much of a question showing care or concern and more than likely not awaiting a response. And with that being said, that brings up another point.

Does anybody really expect a response? Even worse, is anybody even waiting for, let alone listening for a response? Especially knowing that the so called response might be nothing more than a cookie cutter “Great, thanks, and you?” or perhaps just a nod of the head.  Likely not. Then why is it that I feel this obsession to spill my guts, telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, laying everything out on the table? Obviously the problem must be on my end. What a shocker!

A friend of mine has a completely different approach to the entire greeting thing. Which to be honest used to bug me. Not so much because I knew it wasn’t exactly what he was feeling but more from the standpoint that it sounded way too fake. Much too Used Car Salesman~ish if you catch my drift (sheesh, does anybody even say “catch my drift” anymore?). But the more I heard it as well as the responses that it elicited from others, I began to see the method to his madness. And yes, I started to open my mind and allow in the possibility that the truth isn’t nor wasn’t always the best policy.

Didn’t matter the time of day or night, nor the situation, he had one generic response he used whenever he greeted or was greeted by anyone. It got to be such a routine and even though I knew exactly what he was going to say, it was the looks on the faces of those he was speaking to that were the best part of it. Never failed to elicit some form of a reaction, more often than not accompanied by a positive response of some sort. And after all, isn’t that what a greeting should be about? A positive, uplifting start to the conversation.

Well, as I mentioned, didn’t matter who it was he was speaking with. It’s just such an automatic comeback at this point, it’s truly second nature for him. Immediately upon hearing those all too common words “How are you”, no sooner had the echo stopped and he would respond with, “If I was doing any better, I’d think something was wrong.” Yep, that’s it. Short, simple and to the point. But you would be amazed at just how that immediately threw so many people off their game, completely unprepared to hear anything at all, let alone something positive. As you can well imagine, this garnered the largest amount of surprise in retail situations.

Anybody that has ever had to deal with the public for any length of time knows all too well that the Hello routine becomes just exactly that. A routine. Good or bad, it just never changes and it becomes very easy to get into that rut of thinking that every response is going to be the same. After a while you just kinda tune it out and stop listening, stop waiting for a response. So when one is thrown their way, something 180 degrees different than what they expected, they are basically stunned with a bit of deer in the headlights mixed in for good measure.

You can see the thinking cap (what there is of one anyway) go on and then it’s time to decipher this all too new message. Hmmmmm, was he serious? Was he joking? Perhaps he’s drunk and doesn’t have a clue what he’s even saying? And then you begin to see the look of total befuddlement transition into a smile. Yes, a smile. It’s hard to argue with someone that’s in a good mood, especially one that’s sending out positive vibes. So before you know it, the pearly whites are showing where just 20 seconds ago either a blank stare or even worse, a frown once stood.

This positivity tends to go a long way towards changing the entire interaction. All of a sudden it’s “How may I help you?” as opposed to “Wuddaya need?” The whole tone has gone from a laborious task to an eager, helpful assignment.  The willingness to please has overtaken the have to mentality and from then on, the entire experience is much more pleasant.

And even though I’ve seen this happen time and again, my stomach still tightens up at the thought of not telling the truth. Not coming clean with the real story. But I can’t help but admit that the reaction is a million times better by not telling the truth. And therein lies the dilemma. Is this the appropriate time for a white lie? It’s almost as if this is exactly what a white lie was designed for. I’m all about doing my best to spread a positive message and that’s a bit difficult to do when the first thing out of your mouth is just how crappy things are, how lousy you’re feelin’ or how bad your life is.

So perhaps it’s time for me to begin to take a lesson from my buddy and rather than look at it as telling a fib, turn that into the idea that I’m sending a positive message to someone as a means to help them and their day to be a bit brighter. Sounds like the perfect excuse to me. Apparently the truth isn’t always best. Who’d a thunk it.

If you can relate to that feeling in the pit of your stomach when being faced with having to respond to a greeting with anything other than the truth, I’d appreciate hearing your feelings. And if you know of anyone that might be able to gain from this post, I’d appreciate your sharing it. Thank you. 

“IF NOT NOW….WHEN? That was it, the final straw. Just one short sentence was all it took. All it took to get this Amazing Adventure to change from being merely a dream, a dream that I’ve had for longer than I care to remember, into reality. There’s a saying that goes something like “Everything begins with a dream” and that couldn’t be any more fitting here.

Actually, this journey consists of a combination of three dreams, morphed into one. Creative? I’d say so. Crazy? Without a doubt! I’d prefer to think of it as Crazy like a Fox but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Some might be leaning a bit more towards insane.

We all have goals, dreams and passions in life that we would pursue….. IF we could. If we had the time…. the money…. the knowledge…. basically, if we didn’t have this huge list of excuses keeping us from chasing our dreams. Yes, I said excuses. Sure, these so called reasons all seem so legitimate, so permanent and so impenetrable but I’ve come to learn that they are just more excuses for not pursuing ones passions, for not even making an attempt to make ones dreams come true.

Is it a fear of failure? Fear of looking foolish? Fear of actually admitting to others that you have a dream and all the negativity that is likely to come from those around you that think you’re quite possibly out of your mind for even thinking that you might be able to manifest this dream? Now, keep in mind that 99% of these nay sayers are the people that would never take risks in life. On anything. Day after day, they live their lives like zombies, going through the same ol’ routine and feeling safe in their Comfort Zone.

But for me, my Comfort Zone isn’t really all that comfy. I’d have to think that if it was, then I wouldn’t constantly be thinking about my lifes passions, my true calling in life and asking myself why I’m not living it. And this hasn’t been going on for a short time, this is an entire lifetime of wondering what if.

What if I would have pursued my passion for Writing? Where would I be in my life right now? Would I be a well known Author with numerous ‘titles’ to my credit? Or perhaps like so many other struggling Writers, another frustrated unknown wannabe that should have gotten a clue and changed job descriptions many years earlier? And that’s my point exactly. It’s not a case of whether or not the pursuit of my passion for writing would have turned out to be a good or a bad decision but the problem lies more in the fact that I never took the chance and so now I have no idea how it would have turned out. And it’s that ‘wondering’ that eats away at me on a daily basis.

As well as my passion for travel, again it’s the wondering what if that gets to me the most. While more of a fun pursuit as opposed to a job, this has still been a Burning Desire within me since my teenage years. I would have to think it stems from the weekend camping trips with the family. Growing up, some of my best memories are of waking up in a tent, somewhere new and different and spending as much time as possible exploring everything available within my new surroundings. And the feeling of thinking how fast time seemed to fly by, already time to go home and the disappontment in knowing that there was more that I wasn’t able to experience. Next time, I’ll make sure to check it out…..next time. But next time didn’t always come and so I was left wondering again.

And then, sure enough, it happens to the best of us, as we get older life gets in the way. Responsibility. Priorities. Reasons. There’s that awful word again. It’s funny how it seems so easy to come up with excuses reasons for not doing something but it’s so difficult to find reasons that allow us, propel us to take risks, take a chance on failure, to pursue our goals. Which is a shame because the reward that can come from achieving our goals can be so huge that you’d think that a fear of failure wouldn’t hold us back. But I’ve come to learn that your Comfort Zone can really hold you back, with it’s false sense of security. Combine that security with what I believe prevents most people from taking chances in life, which is an overwhelming fear of failure and you have the perfect recipe for a life full of regret. That motivation depleting monster known as regret.

Yet, when you think about it, we tend to regret the things we didn’t do much more than the things we did. Regardless of their outcome. Even if we perceive that we have failed at something, the regret of looking back and not knowing what could have happened had we made an effort is always so much worse. But that pesky ol’ fear of failure keeps our minds occupied to the extent that regret isn’t our number one priority. Until later. After a bit of time, regret rears its ugly head and mocks you for all of the time you’ve wasted. Time you’ll never get back.

Due to a few recent changes in my life, time has been brought to the forefront of my thinking. In a Big Way! Not that it hasn’t always been there, but it’s importance in my life has become even more apparent than ever lately. And as such, I found myself having to really dig deep inside and ask just exactly what is it that I truly want for me in my life? What are my deepest desires? Where does my passion lie? What is my true calling? It didn’t take long at all for me to answer this question. It’s on my mind constantly. For almost as long as I have had a passion for writing and travel, I have held the dream of someday owning a 911 Porsche.

Even before my first real job, which as it turned out was as an apprentice Volkswagen Mechanic when I was 15, I have dreamed of owning a 911 Porsche. I’m sure it goes without saying that if you like the original rear engined Volkswagens, then a 911 Porsche is without a doubt the end of your rainbow. Even before I had a Drivers License, I knew I wanted a Porsche.

This fact was only reinforced after my first ride in one. As primitive as they were back then compared to todays Models, they were amazingly quick and handled great. A true Drivers Car. Their following was built on quality and performance and both are still true today. In fact, even more so.

Ok then, now that I have my three main passions laid out in front of me, Writing, Travel and a 911 Porsche, now what? Which one should I concentrate on first, put all of my effort towards? Without a doubt this is a difficult decision. But of course it is because if these were easy choices, I would have already made the decision and gotten started. I would already be an Author, traveling the globe, living the “Laptop Lifestyle” and my Porsche GT3 RS would be waiting for me in my garage. Perhaps in the garage of my Villa in Greece or my Apt. in Paris. Sadly, I’m unable to say that any of those are currently in place. And so the dilemma of choosing which one to concentrate on first becomes even more difficult because obviously, each of them means a great deal to me.

I’ve always considered myself to be an outside the box thinker and without a doubt, lately I’ve been on motivation overload. So, rather than make an attempt to tame it, to tone it down, I’ve decided to throw some major creativity at this situation, just to see what could happen. To see what I can come up with. And let me just say one thing, I get the feeling that I have taken the word creativity to an entirely new level. Yep, the Dream Vision that I have created here is in essence thinking so far outside the box that there’s a really good chance that you’d need binoculars just to look back and even see the box itself, let alone the inside of it. Undoubtedly outside the box thinking at its finest.

You might be wondering how could any endeavor be THAT crazy, that outrageous, that unfathomable? Well, I’d venture to say that not many people have taken on a project such as what I have planned for myself. And to be honest, I don’t blame them. If this was anybody elses Dream Vision and they were explaining it to me as I’m doing here, chances are my first reaction, once I got back up off the floor after hearing such an unbelievable pipe dream would be to say good luck with that one. Knowing full well that the dedication and perseverance required, in the face of what would without a doubt be a severely uphill battle, would surely take out anyone that wasn’t fully committed in every way possible to making this dream a reality. And to be that dedicated to a dream just isn’t something that you find in most people.

Keeping in mind that I’m able to enjoy the freedom so to speak necessary to pursue my goals as I don’t have a wife, kids, etc. Not that I have any money to chase my dream (yet) but I’m not about to let something as small as that stop me. So rather than look at any of that as a negative, I’m choosing to take advantage of this, in essence, freedom in my life. Not having to worry about possibly hurting someone else as well as their life by taking on these risks is a huge relief. It allows me to make decisions that quite a few people wouldn’t be able to make. Not a guarantee that they would make these decisions though, no matter what their circumstances were. Excuses are easy to find if you’re looking for them. Believe me, I know. I wasted alot of my creative juices on excuses for why I wasn’t able to live a life that I was passionate about. I’m done with that.

I’m also a big believer in modeling which is the principle of finding someone else that is or has done what it is that you want to do, study them, repeat whatever it is that they did(or are doing) to achieve the same goal that you’re after and it’s only a matter of time before it happens for you as well. As they say, “What one man can do, so can another” and I’m a firm believer in this theory. But despite my searching, I wasn’t able to locate anyone that has done anything such as what I’m attempting. Which is both good and bad.

I enjoy being independently unique as well as being the only one to accomplish a certain goal but I have to admit that it would have been so much easier had I been able to find someone whose foot steps I could follow but alas, no such luck. So I find that I’m having to dig extremely deep into my own well of creativity to design as many ways as possible to make my dream a reality.

That’s not to say that I’m not asking for the help of others, without a doubt I have no choice but to rely on friends whose knowledge in areas which I have no experience can only increase the probability of my dream coming true. One very special person, in addition to all of her technical assistance has given me something that was worth so much more. She showed me that I’m not the only person that sets beyond imaginative goals in life and that it’s Ok to Dream Big! Up to this point, I have only gone into detail about my journey with a couple select people, her being one of them, choosing to minimize the opportunity for negativity but she showed me that crazy is only in the eyes of the nonbeliever.

Perhaps I’ve gone on a bit long here as a way of making it a bit easier for me to swallow as well. I tend to be ok with this vision in smaller chunks but when I put it all together as a package deal, that’s when things get a bit overwhelming but another lesson in inspiration that I learned from my friend is that I shouldn’t worry about how it’s going to happen, just get started taking action and concentrate on how great it will feel when it DOES HAPPEN!

Now, at this stage, you’re probably saying Ok ok, enough of this buildup already, get to good stuff and I don’t blame you. After rereading this story up to this point, I’m anxious to find out what this Dream is as well. And it’s MY Dream! Luckily for us all, my Burning Desire isn’t to be a Traveling Balloon Animal Making Blogger and if you were hoping for something along those lines, sorry to disappoint you. Nope, it’s just a bit more intriguing than that. At least I think so anyway.

My plan is to combine all three of my passions into one creative package. Each one will help to create the opportunity for the other two. In a nutshell, my goal is to drive a Porsche GT3 RS across the lower 48 States, approximately 6K – 8K miles (probably more like 10K), visiting each of the States and various locations within each state.

At this point I’m unsure if these stops will be tourist highlights, perhaps Porsche Dealerships, Car Events, Antiques & Collectibles stops, all of that is still as of yet unclear. More than likely the emphasis of this entire journey will be on the world of Social Media sites like Facebook,Twitter and Google+ are what have made all the online connections possible, helping to create a community of sorts all across the U.S. Actually, around the Globe but that is another story, one which I’ll save for another time.

So along with this cross country Road Trip, I will be recording lots of video footage as well. I have quite a few ideas in that department but until I explore a bit further, lets just say that the videos will be something special on their own. And I am in the process of partnering with a few online friends to explore the possibility of syndicating these videos and having them spread virally throughout the Internet, not just on my main YouTube Channel.

There are so many online Video sharing Sites these days that for those Companies and Businesses that are seeking nation wide exposure and decide to advertise with us, both on the Porsche as well as on our Websites and Videos will garner all sorts of on as well as offline exposure that only an adventure as unique as this could provide.

So right there we have two of the main ingredients, the Porsche as well as the Traveling (especially since I’ll be driving cross country in a car that’s undoubtedly meant more for the Race Track than a Griswolds Road Trip) which when combined, those alone will create all kinds of attention. And when you add the Blog Updates(writing) throughout each week, there’s the third ingredient to complete my Trifecta. I also have a vision of writing a much more detailed book after the adventure has ended, which will really go a long way towards my dream of being an Author.

Tentatively I’m expecting to be spending a minimum of two months, if not three on the road, depending on the funding sources. We’ll have to see how all that unfolds. Speaking of unfolding, we’re also not quite sure about lodging at this point. I’m sure most have heard of Couch Surfing, where people offer a couch in their home(hopefully it’s in their home anyway) for a night. There are a few Websites online that focus on people that have couches available as well as people who are in need of a couch to donate. While the logistics of this might be a bit much to add to our long list of Things To Do, without a doubt that would only add to the adventure as well as the ‘online connectivity’ aspect so it’s still a distinct possibility. Again, this entire adventure is Internet based and we want to explore every bit of that connection. 

Well, there you have it, in a very lengthy nutshell. How does one go about reaching their goals, lofty as they may be? One thing is for sure, it requires action. And plenty of it. In one way or another, we have to get started. Once we make the first move, then we can decide on what to do after that. Like they say, “you can’t begin to steer the boat until you leave the dock” (or something along those lines) and so hang on, we’re about to shove off!

If you can relate to a Burning Desire within you to follow your true calling, to live a life that you’re passionate about, I’d appreciate hearing your comments and if you enjoyed this Post I hope that you will share it. Thank you.

It’s been almost two months now. Two very long months. While this time of the year is no doubt always the most difficult time of the year for me to struggle through, this year is worse than most. While I continually tell myself that “next year is going to be better”, that never seems to materialize. And this year is no exception.

My Mom passed away at the beginning of October and to be honest, I think it has yet to fully sink in. Perhaps it’s because I want so badly for it not to be ‘real’. Just a bad dream, a nightmare, one that if I only scream loud enough, I’ll wake myself up and everything will be ok. But just as in all of those ultra awful nightmares that we’ve all had from time to time, noone else can hear me scream, especially the one person that I want more than anyone to hear me, my Mom. So, rather than continue to scream, I continue to sob.

Sometimes uncontrollably and most times for no apparent reason. It doesn’t take much to trigger it. Just a thought will do it and on goes the water works. Stopping is another thing entirely. I only wish I could stop it as fast as it started but just as I don’t know for sure why it started, all I can do is let it run its course and eventually the valve will shut itself off. Never quite soon enough though, that’s for sure.

I had gotten into a habit of sorts, a routine of upon waking in the morning, the first thing I would do is grab my phone and call my Mom. Second nature, just part of my morning ritual. But just like any habit, it’s been a tough one to break. As soon as my eyes open, my hand immediately reaches for the phone and then almost as quickly, I feel pain coming from my phone, passing through my arm and straight to my heart. Her number is right there, one click away. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I dial it, she won’t answer. Ever again.

So I set the phone down, two raging rivers flowing down my cheeks and the reality of never hearing my Moms voice again hits me like a Mack truck. How could I have done this again? Haven’t I learned anything over these last fifty plus days? Why am I not getting the drift here? With all this influx of intense pain, you’d think I’d get a clue by now. But no, like any self respecting glutton, I continue to go back for my daily dose of heartache. Perhaps some day I’ll learn and I hope it’s soon.

I was blessed to have been able to speak to my Mom a few days before she passed away.  By that point she was being heavily medicated and shortly after that her dosages were so heavy that all she really did was sleep. Which to be honest I’m grateful that she was able to avoid any needless pain.

So I am truly grateful that I was able to enjoy that conversation with her. And to have that be my final memory of her, if I have to have a final memory, then a wonderful conversation is what I will take with me for the rest of my days. I wasn’t able to say goodbye to my Dad. The news came in a phone call. A phone call from my Mom. Not being able to say goodbye to him has left a void in my heart over these last eight years that although time has done a bit of smoothing out of the jagged edges, it’s still such a deep wound that I have a strong feeling it will never fully heal.

The only thing that is for sure is the fact that it’s too late to do anything about it and so it is entirely up to me how I handle it. I can either choose to wallow in the sorrow of all the ‘what ifs’ and woulda coulda shouldas or I can make the decision to move forward with my life as all the wishing and hoping will not bring back the chance to say goodbye. It’s just something that I will have to live with.

And while my Moms passing hasn’t actually sunk in yet, there is one feeling that has made its undeniable presence known, a feeling which I wasn’t by any means prepared for and that is one of completely overwhelming, all encompassing emptiness. Just an undescribable, hollow feeling that has permeated all aspects of my life. Much more than a feeling of loss per se, which although noone could ever be completely prepared for that, I had expected to feel a sense of loss but this runs much deeper than that. Much deeper.

My Mom had been sick for quite some time so we were aware to some degree of her illness. Now, with that being said, I wasn’t fully aware of just how sick she truly was. I’ll be the first to admit that alot of that I’m sure had to do with my own denial. I have been known to stick my head in the sand in an effort to avoid reality, especially when it comes to heartache and loss and I’m sure there was a bunch of that going on here. But I also have to think that she didn’t completely let on exactly how sick she was. Then again, maybe she did and I was busy eating sand and didn’t hear her. Either way, I wasn’t prepared. At least not anywhere near as well as I should have been.

And no matter how prepared you think you’re going to be, there’s just no way to gauge the magnitude of losing a parent. The impact and the feeling of loss is just immesurable, even after the fact. And I’m sure it will be for quite some time. Maybe even forever, it’s too early to tell. But it’s this emptiness, this unbearable feeling of just being utterly ‘gutted’ that I was by no means prepared for. I’ve been riding a seriously ugly roller coaster from hell these last two years and one thing I’ve learned is not to question how much worse it can get because without a doubt, just as soon as you utter those words, it will get much worse and in a major hurry!

I lost most if not all of my motivation for life a couple years ago, basically just wanting to give up and if I ended up living on the streets, no big deal. That’s how much I cared. I didn’t. But I was able to push my way through the fog, to find my “Why”, to create a new dream to chase, pick myself up off the ground, dust off my pants and continue to trudge forward with some sort of a purpose. It took everything I had to pull myself out of my ‘funk’  but I managed to do it. Yet, this is something completely different. The meaning of “Why” has completely changed. For me it has anyway.

As I look back and reflect on her life, as much as I know of it anyway, one thing that seems to rise to the top, to stand above everything else. Good or bad, like a Lighthouse beacon, blindingly bright is the one question that I find myself continually asking, “Is this all there is? That’s it, over and done, nothing else to it?”

I’ve been unable to escape this haunting feeling since she passed. Absolutely unable to shake it. No matter what I do, I continue to run through the ‘movie’ that was her life. We all have struggles, as well as hardships in life but I have to believe that my Mom experienced more than her fair share. Yet she never seemed to wallow in it, at least not in front of me she didn’t. Maybe she didn’t want me to know of her heartbreaks and inner troubles.

My Mom was the nicest, most loving, caring and giving person you could ever hope to meet. She would do anything for her friends and family. But don’t mistake her for a pushover as she wouldn’t hesitate to let you know you had done something to upset her. Yet this post isn’t about my Mom and the person she was but more about the huge void that has been created by her passing.

As I mentioned earlier, this feeling is with me every waking moment. There seems to be no escaping it. I continue to think about the microcosm that was her life, the highs, the lows, the triumphs, the heartaches, her entire lifes journey on this planet and I continue to end up right back at the same place every time, wondering if this is truly all there is to life. We’re born, we struggle for a few years and then we pass away and hopefully, if we’re lucky enough, we’ll have a few family members and friends there at the end to say a few words in our honor. Other than that, it’s as if we were never even here. Never even existed. How lousy is that?

My Mom was very religious, thinking that the next chapter was going to be better and basically, from what I could gather anyway, that this adventure here on earth was only an initiation of sorts, a preparation for what was to come. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t buy into this theory of things being better next time around and so the sooner this ride ends, the sooner you can get to the better stuff. Nope, not buyin’ it.

I subscribe to the theory that I want to enjoy myself while I’m here on this adventure as well as wherever and whenever the next journey kicks in. But this feeling that there has to be more to life than merely being born, hangin’ around a few years and then moving on to Phase Two (or three or four) has created an overwhelming sense of urgency within me. As well as enhanced a knowingness that I had only recently begun to tap into. But now I’m diggin’ in full bore with a pick and a shovel! Heck, I’m even considering renting a Bobcat in an effort to make the digging go a whole lot faster.

I had recently been working on letting go of a lifetime of guilt. Guilt that kept me from pursuing my passions, from chasing my dreams. From living my life based on my true purpose. And I’m not here to blame anyone other than myself for this guilt. Sure, while I admit that my surroundings, both people and environment played a small part in quite a few of my life decsisions but no one is more to blame than I am. Nobody is more responsible for the decisions I’ve made and for creating this self induced guilt trip than I am. It’s just a shame that it took me so long to realize it. Like they say, I built my own prison and without a doubt, I’m the one that suffered the most because of it.

But again, I had already begun to dig myself out of this self induced ‘guilt pit’ but now I’m kickin’ it up a few notches and I’m going at it 110%, using any tool I can get my hands on that will help me escape this feeling of being buried alive. The last thing I want is to die with my ‘music’ still in me, it’s gotta come out! I don’t recall if it was Kill Bill #1 or #2 but I continue to think about Darryl Hannah layin’ in that wooden box, being buried alive and just kickin’ and punchin’, clawin’ her way to freedom. Just call me Darryl, that only fuels my fire more!

This is not to say that I have thrown reality and responsibility out the window for good, I’ve merely put them off to the side to be dealt with at a later date. This allows me to put my passions and my dreams at the top of my “to do immediately, if not sooner, no matter what it takes” list. Sure, there are a couple of ‘things’ that I’ve had to leave off of my list for now. And I say for now as I fully intend to come back to them in the future but not until I’m able to grab a Sharpie and start checking my Top Three off of my list.

One of my all time favorite sayings and I have no idea who said it originally or for that matter, if I even have it close to its original version but basically it says something to the effect of “When all is said and done, the only regrets you’ll have are the risks you didn’t take.” And one thing is for sure, the last thing on earth I want is to be laying on my death bed, asking myself, “Is this all there is?”

If you can relate to the feeling of the loss of a loved one, I’d enjoy hearing your thoughts and if you feel like this Post can add to anyone elses life, I’d appreciate it if you would share it with them. Thank you.

Yesterday was one of those days. Yep, one of THOSE days. I’m sure you know what type of day I’m referring to here. The kind where just as soon as you wake up, you realize immediately that something is wrong. That you’re in some kinda funk. You know that something is wrong, you just don’t know what that something is.

Hmmmmmmmm…….. now what could be wrong? It could be something as simple as waking up on the wrong side of the bed but to be honest, I’m not really sure what side of the bed is the wrong side so although that still remains a distinct possibility, I’ll have to leave that in the not highly likely category.

So then, what could it possibly be that’s bothering me? The more I think about it, it’s not so much one thing as it is a combo of many things. Seems to me that it started the day before and basically carried over into yesterday. Kinda like leftovers, sitting on the counter unattended, being allowed to fester and ooze themselves into the following day.

As far as the calendar is concerned, the day before yesterday was actually a huge day for me. A major milestone as it were, a day worthy of celebrating. Well, at least it should have been. But it just never felt that special, at least not deserving of a celebration of any kind. Actually it felt completely opposite of what I would have thought. Extremely hollow and uneventful to say the least.

How is that even possible? I just survived five years of total sobriety, something I never ever imagined was anywhere near possible. And yet, there I sat feeling more empty and alone as opposed to happy or excited which is what one would think I should have been feeling. But at the end of the day I still had to take solace in knowing that I had indeed accomplished something that many wish they could achieve but as of yet have been unsuccessful in doing so.

Then why is it that after ending the previous day on a rather positive note, yesterday started off on such a blah note, heading south towards Downerville from there? Was it the letdown of expecting too much(and not getting it) from the previous day carrying over to the next?

After mulling all that over for a bit longer, I found that I could only come to one conclusion. Nothing had really changed per se between the time I went to sleep the night before and when I woke up the next morning. Perhaps a dream or two, maybe (definitely) some snoring as well but shouldn’t have been any mood altering goin’ on. So why then so doomy and gloomy?

That’s when it dawned on me, the only reason I was a bit down was because I chose to be. Or should I say there was a lack of making the choice NOT to be grumpy and down. Yep, just as simple as that. I don’t mean to say that I chose to be grumpy on purpose. It’s more of an issue of not purposely choosing to be happy. To be grateful, to start my day with an attitude of gratitude. While that sounds simple, it’s not always that easy to remember. Yes, it’s a conscious decision, a decision that needs to be made each and every day. And sometimes more than once per day.

Now how does one remember to start each day with a grateful attitude, being happy for what you have as opposed to what you don’t? That right there is the tough part. Obviously it’s not that easy, otherwise everybody would do it and all it takes is a quick glance at the world around us to realize that most people aren’t practicing this in the slightest.

Apparently we must train ourselves to do this until it becomes habit. To think that we would automatically be in the correct state of mind at all times is a bit too much to expect. In my opinion anyway. And this is obviously something that I need to condition myself to be aware of. Knowing when I’m not in the zone as well as knowing just what to do to get back there.

So if you happen to find yourself in a funk or sorts, just feelin’ a bit outta whack, take a look around you and make a quick inventory of all you have to be grateful for. All of the things we tend to take for granted, never really appreciating them as we should and I’d be willing to bet that you’ll discover quite a few things that you never even thought about. In fact, why not write some of them down? Might help you to get back to an attitude of gratitude that much quicker the next time you find yourself feelin’ all funkified.

If you can relate to feeling that unexplainable sense of being down without a reason, sort of not quite right but with no apparent explanation as well as a possible solution for how you get yourself back on track, I’d enjoy hearing about it and if you enjoyed this post, I’d appreciate it if you’d share it with your friends. Thank you.