I recently found myself re-reading my last Post and it struck me as not so much being incomplete as it was lacking in telling the entire story, if that makes any sense. While I started off with a particular thought in mind and I felt I said what I wanted to say in that regard, I also touched on a couple other ‘points’ but I wasn’t able to delve into them as much as I would have liked to.

Not so much as an excuse but with my Moms passing a couple months ago, I haven’t written anywhere near as much as I had been writing prior to that. To be honest, my heart just wasn’t in it. Well, that’s not exactly correct, it’s more like my heart was too far in it. I was feeling so heartbroken that I knew that no matter what came out of my heart through my writing and landed on the screen was gonna be at the very least a tear jerker and when I’m feeling that way, I end up spending more time sobbing myself than I do typing. Extremely unproductive as you can well imagine. And so I avoided writing to a degree. Matter of fact, I’ve only written two Posts since the end of September and prior to that, I was on a roll and writing two or three posts a week. And when your posts average 2000 words, that’s alot of ‘thoughts’ to suddenly keep bottled up inside.

And so even though I’m by no means healed, I find myself back at the keyboard. Unfortunately, my heart is still feeling rather heavy and as such my subject matter might take on a similar tone. But at the risk of being glum, I needed to get back to my writing. And since everything I write is from my heart, as they say, it’s not gonna be all sunshine, lollipops and roses.

Trust me, I wish it was. I have the same desires as everyone else, to be happy 24/7 and I’ll be the first to admit that I know damn well that that’s not anywhere near possible but I’d like to see if I can come close to that anyway. But I can already tell by what I’ve written so far that my heart is still hangin’ way lower than usual. Not quite in the dirt like it was a couple months ago but without a doubt nowhere near where it should be.

And that is kinda what sparked me to write this post. I noticed a status update on a Facebook friends wall a bit earlier tonight and it reminded me of a Post that I had written quite awhile back. For those that are unfamiliar with my Blog or my writing in general, everything I write about comes from deep within my heart and soul and everything I write is based on a thought I’ve had or am currently thinking.

No doubt I do my best to add in a bit of humor here and there whenever possible, doing my best to lighten the mood. I have enjoyed making people laugh, or attempting to anyway, from as far back as I can remember. It makes me feel good to be able to ‘take the edge off’ for someone else and quite often that’s at my own expense. Yes, I’m not afraid of self depricating humor as I seem to be a ‘factory’ for things to laugh at about myself. No doubt sometimes it helps me as well to be able to laugh at myself.

Which is why everything I write has basically two motivations, to help myself deal with a thought, a feeling or a mood that I’m encountering at the time and secondly, if I can help to ease the ‘pain’ of someone else that is or has experienced a similar feeling, then that just makes it all the better. My goal has always been to spill my guts in hopes that someone else can learn from my experiences. And I find that when I jot down my thoughts, I can deal with them better as well. Especially when I can go back and read them again, a year later.

Sometimes I find that I’ve learned a lesson and made some progress in a certain area and other times, the news isn’t as good and I find that I’m still ‘stuck’ or even worse, have backtracked on a subject that I had hoped to at the very least make progress and possibly even conquer. Which is exactly what happened this time. After browsing over an earlier post, it appears I haven’t learned anything at all. At least not what I set out to conquer anyway. I’m still in the same boat, possibly even taking on water and missing an oar at this point.

So, that brings up the question. Now that I have no way of hiding from it, because as we all know, no matter where we go, there we are. And we can stick our heads as far down in the sand as possible but knowing that we have to come up for air at some point, there’s a pretty good chance that the reason we went underground will still be waiting for us when we pull our head out. Out of the sand, that is.

I found myself wondering why I haven’t gotten any further in this department. Is it fear? Probably. But fear of what? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of rejection? Fear of the unknown? Fear of fear? I would have to believe that fear of some sort is what stops most of us from just about everything in life. And we’ve all heard the acronym False Evidence Appearing Real and no doubt, it does more than apprear real, it IS real! Why else would we be so afraid?

I’m sure that I fall prey to most of those reasons except for perhaps the fear of success. I don’t think I’m so much afraid of success as I am afraid that I will never get to the point where I have enough of it. I have extremely high expectations of myself. Which is in itself kinda scary but it’s quite possible that that’s a good kind of scary. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. But success or lack of is not the number one thing on my mind and so I have to feel that there is some other form of fear holding me back from being and doing all I want in life.

That’s when it dawned on me. It’s not exactly fear of one thing in particular, it’s what happens ‘after’ that I’m afraid of. Yes, what happens after is what scares the hell outta me! I’m sure you know the feeling. The feeling that comes draggin’ along after you fail. And not so much just fail at something as that dreadful ‘feeling’ also takes over when you don’t get to experience the outcome that you had hoped for. At whatever it is. The disappointment, the letdown, the bummer of it all. Finding out that whatever it is you were hoping for, working towards, bustin’ your ass to accomplish is basically over and done. No more need to continue working towards that goal, it’s over. Finished. The End!

All your hopes, dreams, plans, everything that you had to look forward to, all of the fuel for your fire is wiped out in a split second. All of the tools that you used to get up out of bed each and every day, used to spur you on to bigger and better things, a better person, all gone now. Then what do you do. How do you find anything to go forward with after that?

That’s when you begin to think about just how difficult it was to come up with all the gusto you had to muster up in the first place just to get you to the point where you were standing now, crushed and heartbroken. All that effort ….. and for what? Just to stand there (or lay there, as the case may be) and be in an even worse place than you were before you began the journey. The journey of hope. The journey of manifesting a dream.

How many times had you told yourself, this time it’s gonna happen. This time it’s gonna all work out. I just know it, this is finally gonna be the time everything goes my way. And yet, sure as hell, there you are, feeling as if you have just totally wasted all that time and effort. In fact you would have probably been better off had you never even made the attempt in the first place. At least that’s how you’re feeling right then but is that necessarily true?

I mean, sure you could have avoided the failure or the heartbreak or whatever lousy feeling you’re experiencing but if you really give it some thought, I’m sure you’ll begin to realize that you must have been feeling some form of discontent in the first place to have even taken on something with such a large possibility of heartache if you were to fail. Being ‘new’, the disappointment is at it’s strongest at that point which only makes you question your decision that much more. But again, you must have really needed to ‘know’ if it was a possibility, otherwise you never would have taken it on in the first place.

And this is what triggered me to write this post. I have been doing alot of thinking lately, alot of should I or shouldn’t I about something that, depending on whether or not I continue further with my thought process, could either turn out to be a major positive in my life or a huge disaster. And this is where my evil nemesis, fear comes into play.

Common sense tells me not to even attempt to take it any further. Based on the history of how things similar to this have gone for me, common sense says to just cut my losses and forget about it. Learn to live with all the wondering and the questions that already bombard my brain and hope that eventually all of that ‘noise’ will begin to fade. And jeez, if it was that easy to forget about I probably would have already done it. But it’s anything but easy to forget about.

Yet the penalty for risking it, for taking a chance, for putting forth the effort to find out if it could be a possibility is huge unto itself. The loss could and would be devastating. Not only from my feelings being destroyed but from the repercussions and the shockwaves that it could send throughout all involved.

But the other side of the loss is what I’m guaranteed to lose by not taking a chance on finding out for myself what the answer actually is. Rather than predetermining the outcome, shouldn’t I be willing to risk it if it really means that much to me? Hmmmmmm……

I mean, I’m smart and all but I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know everything. Not the least of which is what someone else is thinking or the outcome that they could possibly have pictured in their mind or for that matter, even if they’re on the same wavelength and even thinking about it in the slightest. And so the roller coaster begins, the endless cycle of doubt and second guessing and with each yes, another no flys by to counteract it. By that point, you’re pretty much just along for the ride. Swimming in a sea of self doubt and let me be the first to tell you, there are alot of of sharks in those waters, ready to take a big ol’ bite out of you!

So do I sit back, shut up and suffer in silence or do I speak up, let my thoughts be known and possibly get crushed. Do I throw common sense and my perception of reality out the window and allow in the possibility of a major dream coming true? How much influence should common sense hold? More than the possible bliss of a dream coming true? Is common sense actually another form of reality or just like anything else, another form of perception or even worse, self inflicted deception and up to each of us to determine exactly what it is. I truly believe that perception is a big key to everything. Boy, this is where being a mind reader would really come in handy.

One thing that I do know for sure. If I don’t pursue it, if I don’t ask what it is I want to ask then the answer will without a doubt be no. How could it be otherwise? If you don’t ask for something, you’ll never get it. But if I do risk it all, take a huge chance and put everything on the line, then there’s a slight possibility that the answer could be yes. Sure, things could go horribly wrong and even more things could be ruined by asking but the anxiety of not knowing and the possibility of a dream come true not manifesting has a way of getting very heavy as well.

I’ve taken some risks in my life before and I haven’t always come out on the good side of things but on those rare occasions that I have conquered, it was oh so worth it. To know that I looked fear straight in the eye and beat it was only icing on the cake. But as we all know, just writing down our goals and dreams is only half the battle. Achieving them also requires action. And therefore, if you need me, I’ll be the guy with his head in the sand, doing a bit of thinking, mustering up the courage to make a decision of some kind.

If you find that you can relate to fear and being afraid to take risks, I’d enjoy hearing your comments and if you know someone who might enkoy this post, I’d appreciate it if you’d share it with them. Thank you.

Wow, I am all over the place these days. I have so many thoughts running through my brain, 24/7, that I can’t seem to get a grip anymore. So many things pulling me in different directions that I’m just spinning in circles like a top. Well, more like a ‘Whirling Dervish’. In real life, I think dervishes are Egyptian dancers but I remember the cartoon version, pretty much a monster spinning out of control, only stopping long enough to get it’s bearings and then it’s back to spinning its brains out. I don’t think it’s necessarily a ‘bad’ thing but it wasn’t exactly pretty! More or less just a mess of energy spinning out of control, which is exactly how I feel these days.

At the end of each day I attempt to take a semi inventory of all the things that I accomplished on my ‘To Do’ list, hopefully checking a couple things off. Even if it’s just one thing off the list, at least that’s one less thing to tackle the next day. Unfortunately I think I’m beginning to see a pattern here. For some strange reason my list continues to get longer, not shorter. Hmmm, what’s wrong with this picture? Isn’t the list supposed to get shorter as I tackle each item? Apparently not as it appears that I while I am checking one thing off, I’m adding two in its place. Next thing you know, instead of throwing my freshly checked off list in the trash, I have a new list with even more items sitting right on top of the old one. Talk about overwhelmed, you have no idea. I can’t even begin to explain how much ‘junk’ I have running through my head these days.

My life is in such turmoil, so many decisions I need to make but yet I’m wrapped up in ‘paralysis by analysis’ and so I continue to bury myself deeper and deeper in this man made hole that I have created for myself. Yes, I realize it’s my own doing and yet I seem to be unable to think clearly enough to climb my way out of it. How is that possible? Not that I haven’t always had lots of stuff on my mind, continually creating new ways to attempt to move forward in my life, searching for new trails to blaze, finding new avenues in which to travel down ‘lifes path’ yet I was seemingly able to put my feet on the ground once in awhile and at least tackle one or two things here and there. Now it seems as if I am continually sliding backwards, climbing a frozen waterfall with flip flops on, never quite getting enough traction to move ahead but hanging on by squeezing my toes together as hard as I can and digging my toe nails into the ice for every bit of traction I can find. Jeez, I’m worn out just thinking about it. No wonder I feel so constantly overwhelmed, I’m in ‘emotion overload mode’ and that’s not good for productivity. Just not a good way to live life in general.

How am I ever gonna get back to a normal pace? One where I can look at each ‘obstacle’ objectively, ‘taking action’ rather than ‘reacting to’ each situation as it occurs. While I do my best not to think about what ‘could’ happen, what ‘might’ go wrong, it’s not always as easy as it seems. Sure, there are always bumps in the road but to plan on them doesn’t do a bit of good. I know that as well as anybody but yet I still tend do it. Maybe it’s because I continue to get daily reminders of how much my life currently sucks. I firmly believe that living in the present is very important to our outlook on life and the choices we make for our future. The past is the past and there is nothing we can do about it. That’s all fine and dandy. But I have so much trouble believing that the worst is over and that there are going to be better days ahead. I know better than to say it just can’t get any worse because as we all know, instantly something else will happen and sure enough, things just got worse. I guess that’s why I have so much trouble believeing that I have truly hit rock bottom. That it’s ok to finally look toward a brighter future. It’s because I know damn well that there is more crap to come, more things that are gonna do their very best to knock me down and keep me there.

As I look back on the last three or four years, I’ve had tons of stuff thrown my way that at the time I had no idea how I was gonna survive them, let alone move forward. Heck, most of the time I didn’t wanna make it through as I knew darn well there was more crap waiting right around the corner. And yet, somehow here I am. Couldn’t begin to tell you how I got through each dilemma but yet I did, well enough to face the next nightmare. Not sure if that’s good or bad, it just is. And I also realize that everybody goes through crap in their lives, devastating situations that surely tear at their heart and make them question themselves, their thoughts, their beliefs and yet they go forward as well. So I guess that’s what I’m gonna have to do. I’m going to have to continue trudging down this long and winding road to who knows where, to who knows what, for reasons unknown. I’m not a quitter, just too stupid I guess or maybe I’m just so afraid of failing that I can’t give up. Not sure I could really live with myself if I did give up so in essence, that’s not an option. Perhaps I’m just a glutton for punishment, some sort of sadist and I have this secret passion for pain. No, I don’t think that’s it. I truly do want to be happy and that’s what keeps me moving forward with the hopes that someday things will get better. That I will find a woman that loves me, a career I’m passionate about and truly live the life of my dreams. Yet with every disappointment, every let down it becomes increasingly more and more difficult to remain focused on a better future.

I guess that’s where the past can play a big part in our future. Knowing that we have tackled the same crap already, that unsurmountable mountain of stuff that at one point was a ‘no way am I gonna make it through’ and now here we are on the other side of that hill from hell, looking at a new nightmare. A new ‘disaster’ that we have to find some way, at all cost to make it through. They say that every problem is just another opportunity to learn something new, about ourselves and what we’re made of and that these so called opportunities will only continue to make us stronger. Well, to be honest, I’m getting kinda tired of all this learning and I’m pretty much ready to just ditch class from here on out. Haven’t I learned enough ‘lessons’ to last me for the rest of my life? Aren’t I strong enough by now? The way it’s looking, apparently not.

So it’s off to the ‘mental gym’ I go, learning to face new hurdles in my life, climb new mountains from hell, all in the hopes that the life of my dreams is waiting for me, on the other side.Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification