The Low Road to Soberville…
Posted by Bryan B. Bloggin on Mar 9, 2010 in Stayin' Sober |
I gotta admit, I expected more. A LOT more. After four very long years without beers, I truly thought my life would have done a complete 180 degree U~Turn and I’d be on the Golden Road to happiness. Or at the very least, standing at the gate, waiting for somebody to unlock it so I could start heading down that beautiful road. But alas, no such luck. For all I know, the gate’s still locked because I sure as hell can’t see it from here.Now keep in mind this hasn’t been four years of ‘total’ sobriety as I was still doing a bit of ‘self medicating’ until Aug. 2nd of ’06 but I haven’t had any alcohol as of March 6th, ’06 so it’s been four years without beers. Shouldn’t that count for something? Isn’t there some kind of a reward for good behavior? Apparently not. At least not one that I can see anyway.
Heck, I know I don’t deserve a Gold, Silver or a Bronze but I’d be more than happy to settle for a tin foil or perhaps even a plastic Medal of some sort. Anything to show that all of this has been worth it in some way or another. But no, nothing to hang around my neck but a noose. And to be honest, that really doesn’t seem like much of a reward.
So as I sit here, climbing the walls, trying to remember why on earth I ever decided to get sober in the first place, I really have to concentrate hard on coming up with any way possible to prove to myself that this wasn’t just a huge waste of time. I mean c’mon, think of all that partying I could have been doing. What a shame to have missed out on all that ‘fun’.
Not that all the years I spent drinking weren’t a huge waste of time but as difficult as it’s been for me to not give in to temptation these last few years, I truly do find myself searching for a reason why. Why did I quit? What have I gained?
I have a buddy that continues to drink (among other indulgences) and despite getting a DUI on New Years of ’09, losing his Drivers License for a year, various DUI Classes, thirteen weekends of wearing an orange jumpsuit while picking up trash along the freeway and all the other assorted ‘fun’ that comes along with getting a DUI, I have to admit that at least from my viewpoint, his life doesn’t seem that much worse than it was prior to being arrested. He must not think so either since he continues to drink and drive.
Now also keep in mind that he obviously doesn’t care how he appears to others or whether or not he makes a complete fool of himself when he’s drunk. I mean, how could he. He knows very well how ridiculous alcoholics look when they’re hammered and he also knows that he always makes a fool out of himself, yet he still continues to drink.
It’s kinda funny how when you’re drinking, you think that you have everyone ‘fooled’ into believing that you’re sober but when you truly are sober, it’s so obvious when someone else is drunk. Luckily for me I have no desire to look, let alone act like a fool and so I use his ‘actions’ as an example to remind me of what I don’t want out of life and who I don’t want to be. That might seem a bit selfish but he’s well aware of my using his getting drunk as a brutal reminder of why I don’t drink anymore.
In fact, perhaps he should drink a bit more these days because apparently his ‘lessons’ aren’t helping to remind me of the ‘evils’ of drinking quite as often as I need them to. I’m sure he’d go for that, if he could afford it.
Heck, I know I don’t deserve a Gold, Silver or even a Bronze but I’d be more than happy to settle for a tin foil or perhaps just a plastic Medal of some sort. Anything to show that all of this has been worth it in some way or another. But no, nothing to hang around my neck but a noose. And to be honest, that really doesn’t seem like much of a reward.
Thinking back, I can still remember the main reason I quit drinking in the first place and unfortunately my ‘luck’ hasn’t really changed much in that arena. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to depend on that reason alone to keep me on the straight and narrow. With that being said, I am still grateful that I had that inspiration as my original motivation in the beginning. Without that, I wonder if I ever would have stopped the insanity.
The only ‘other’ reminder I have is knowing that I was living such a lonely, miserable life that the thought of facing another day without being drunk was absolutely not an option. I’ll be the first to admit that I thought about suicide quite often and I’ll bet many other alcoholics have pondered that very same thing at some point in their ‘careers’ but luckily for me, I didn’t have the guts to go through with it.
Had I actually followed through with it, I would have missed out on meeting a few of the most incredible women ever. In fact, one very special woman truly stands out and even though she’s no longer with us, she’s my Angel up above and I continue to gather strength from her every day. Had I not met her, who knows where I’d be today and for that I will be forever grateful.
I was also lucky enough to ‘meet’ another amazing woman during these last four years and had I not cleaned up my act, chances are I never would have had the opportunity to do so. I’ve been impressed by her as far back as the late ’80s or early ’90s and as I watched her on tv back then, I admit I fantasized about our ‘dream life’ together. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that we would in any way make contact in ‘real life’ and although I’ve never met her face to face, the online ‘correspondence’ that we have shared has had more of an impact on me than she’ll ever know. For me it has forged a once in a lifetime bond that I cherish to this day. Yes, I know, chances are she has no idea who I am, what my name is or that I even exist but hey, it’s my fantasy dammit and if I choose to believe that she has the slightest clue who I am then leave it be, ok? Let me live out my dream.
I was also lucky enough to ‘meet’ another amazing woman during these last four years and had I not cleaned up my act, chances are I never would have had the opportunity to do so. I’ve been impressed by her as far back as the late ’80s or early ’90s and as I watched her on tv back then, I admit I fantasized about our ‘dream life’ together. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that we would in any way make contact in ‘real life’ and although I’ve never met her face to face, the online ‘correspondence’ that we have shared has had more of an impact on me than she’ll ever know. For me it has forged a once in a lifetime bond that I cherish to this day. Yes, I know, chances are she has no idea who I am, what my name is or that I even exist but hey, it’s my fantasy dammit and if I choose to believe that she has the slightest clue who I am then leave it be, ok? Let me live out my dream.
Not all of my ‘opposite sex’ interactions have gone perfectly over these last four years but I would have to believe that’s kinda par for the course. Regardless of whether or not someone is sober or drunk, not all relationships are gonna work out. That’s just life.
But with that being said, I truly have met some incredible women, a few absolute Angels and I consider myself very lucky to have met them. And had I ‘packed it in’ early, I never would have experienced any of ‘those’ highs. So there’s something to be happy about after all. I guess that IS an improvement.
Apparently what it all boils down to is that rather than try to figure out what good has come from stopping my alcohol intake, perhaps I need to focus more on the unseen trials and tribulations that I unknowingly avoided.
Of course, I can only guess at all of the things that could have gone wrong in my life had I continued on my path to self destruction. Which is more than likely better than having to experience them first hand. So again, maybe that’s all the positivity I can take away from this experience.
Is that enough to go on, reason enough to continue forward on this lonely, long ass dirt road to Soberville? I certainly hope so because at this point, it’s about all I have to go on and I would hate to add another failure to my ‘life resume’.
And so whether I want to or not, I’m forced to stay on this path, continuing to wonder whether or not it’s the correct thing to do. Worse comes to worst, I can always go back to my old ways, drinking my days away on the Boardwalk. As we all know, there’s a Liquor Store on just about every corner and all it takes is a little bit of money to follow the rainbow to the ‘Pot ‘O’ Gold’.
Heck, if sobriety was that easy, everybody would do it and so I just have to try and look at each day as an adventure, rather than a nightmare. Instead of taking the high road, I guess I’m gonna have to stick with the low road. The Low Road To Soberville.
Hey Bryan, I only know you through Twitter posts but you’re clearly a sharp guy with a strong ability to write. I picked up on a theme in your post and wanted to share in hopes that it will offer you a different perspective to consider.
In short, it seems like you position alcohol in your mind as a source of happiness while sobriety is positioned as a source of unhappiness.
For example, your opening paragraph expresses disappointment that sobriety hasn’t led you to the Golden Road. And later, you write of your friend, “I have to admit that at least from my viewpoint, his life doesn’t seem that much worse than it was prior to being arrested.”
I think you understand consciously that alcohol and sobriety don’t have any connection to luck or happiness… but I wonder if your subconscious mind is messing with you a bit.
You’ve got a lot to be proud of. Four years without a beer is a great achievement and the fact that you’re expressing your current frustrations through a blog rather than through a bottle is a definite sign that you’re a stronger man now.
Stay tough and know that the bad stuff isn’t caused by sobriety and that it certainly won’t be helped by alcohol.
At first when I looked at the pic ı thought dirt misery and i was covered all with a feeling of disgust.Disgust for the weakness of people.but at the end sympathy (the reason forthıs quıck change of mood ı don’t understand)Thank you for sharıng
Whew nice post! Although I’m posted about my “addictions” I’m thankfully not an alcoholic hehehe.
Easy on the liver!
I have to admit the pictures were funny in that I have seen friends in simular situations. Being addicted to anything is’t pretty… that being said not sure if you can call your self an American if your not addicted to something.. TV, Drugs, Viedo games, Food, Adult beverages… the list is looooooong. Well Bryan are any of these pictures of you????? maybe that is one thing to be thankful for…